Letters To Julia
by Tanyablueeyez
Summary: Eli seeks advice from Julia.
1. Chapter 1

I clutch the orange prescription pill bottle as I write another familiar letter to her. Seeking advice, seeking her wisdom. She knows me well. The lighting in my room is dark, just a few candles burning. My eyes strain as I jot down letters on the lined paper. My heart is thumping hard, irregular beats. Maybe I did ,"let the crazy get the best of me." As Imogen would say. I sigh and look towards the clock. It's 4am in the morning. CeCe and Bullfrog are fast asleep down the hall. I am left alone with my thoughts. Perfect. I sigh again and stare at the piece of paper that's in front of me, I try to make sense of what I wrote down. It reads,

_Hey, it's me again, but you know that. You always know. I had a session with my therapist today. She said I need to vent in any way that helps me. Writing you helps me. Always. We talked about how much you affect me in every single aspect of my life._

I think back to earlier that day. I remember sarcastically saying, "_Really? No shit she still affects me!"_ as I paced angrily back in forth in the boring white room. She put on a stern but caring voice as she said, _"Now Eli, sarcasm is just another passive aggressive way of anger. Please be calm, deep breathes please, count to ten." _

I'm in my dark room again. I look at my hand grasping the prescription bottle. My knuckles are white. I hear a soft chuckle behind me, then a voice, "You should of said you don't know how to count to ten." I smile to myself, then quickly swivel around in my computer chair to see her. She's so beautiful. So flawless. If my soul could have a twin, her's would be it. She sits gracefully on my bed. I sit beside her and look down staring at my hands that are still holding onto the pill bottle.

"Thanks for listening."

"Of course. I always do." I can hear her smile as I roll the pill bottle from one hand to another.

"Are you gonna look at me?"

I breathe in one big breath and look up to meet her beautiful hazel eyes. I can hear the pill bottle in my hands shaking. "I haven't taken these stupid pills yet." I let out a frustrated sigh.

"Why not?" Her brow furrows. It's the same expression she gave me that night. The night that still haunts me.

"I'm afraid it's going to mess with my writing. For the play." It sounded stupid when I said it out loud.

"That doesn't sound stupid."

I laugh."Julia. Why do you ask me questions when you know you can just read my mind?" I smile at her beautifully toned face. She smiles back.

"Because I like hearing you voice, and you know, it's kinda weird, even being dead."

I grimace at her last words.

"Eli, my death was not your fault." She read my mind again. I stand up furiously clutching the pills.

"YES IT WAS JULIA! IT'S ALL MY FAULT. IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT!" I pace the room enraged. I can feel my face is red, and my vision getting blurry.

"No it wasn't and you know it, deep down. And I know this isn't just about me. It's about Clare." I stop pacing and look at her. It was strange to hear Julia mention Clare's name.

"What about Clare?" I glare at her. I feel bad for glaring, but I'm too wrapped up in my emotions. Just like before. I haven't learned anything.

"You love her." She said it mater-of-factly.

My glare slowly turns into realization. This beautifully dark, serious girl, sitting in front of me, spoke the truth. I do love Clare. Still. Always. Forever. Julia understood, but I still felt a pang of guilt.

"She can't replace me, Eli. I know how you feel about me too." She smiles reassuringly.

She's right. Julia has made her mark on me. I will never forget.

"I know you wont." She looks deep into my eyes. After a while I feel a bit insecure.

Julia stops staring so intently, realizing how her gaze made me feel. "Well. If you love her. Why don't you go get her?" She smiles again.

"Well, how am I -? " She shushes me.

"It's time for me to go Eli."

She's leaving me again. At the worst possible time. I need her here. I feel completely lost. It's the same feeling as when I lost her the first time. I fall to my knees. "Please. Julia. Don't go." Tears well up in my eyes. "You're all I have!" I look up pleading, but she isn't there. She left. I am alone.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm awake. The first thing I see is my Dead Hand concert tee that's tacked over the ceiling light. I sit up quickly, but regret it instantly when the room starts spinning. I glace at the clock. It's 3PM. I guess I missed school today. I sit at the edge of my bed and check my phone. Seven missed phone calls from Fiona. She's probably pissed I wasn't at school today. I feel bad. My screenplay is still in the works and she's only seen a few lines of it. I sigh and slowly this time, get out of bed. CeCe walks down the hall passing my opened bedroom door. She pops her head in.

"Hey Baby Boy, I saw you overslept, so I called the school for you. I bet that leg really hurts. It's Friday anyway." She winks at me lovingly.

"Thanks Mom. I really needed the sleep working on the screenplay and all." I lied.

I wasn't even focused on the play last night. I was focused on talking to... Her. My heart sank thinking about it. Fighting back tears, I grabbed my cane, and wobbled out of my room quickly pass CeCe. I could feel her eyes on me, so I wobbled faster and out of view. Once I made it to the living room I looked back. No one was around. I leaned on the front door and sighed of relief. At that moment the door bell rang. I jumped in alarm and quickly turned around to open the door.

"Where the HELL were you today Eli? I was in panic mode all day!" It was Fiona obviously.

"A simple 'Hello' would of sufficed." I said amused.

"I'm serious Eli, where is the play? I want to see it!" She demanded ,as she attempted to get pass me in the doorway.

I blocked her from getting by. "Fiona, I'm sorry I wasn't at school, but my leg was killing me so I thought I'd just stay home. Sorry for bailing, but I was working on it all night. I just don't want to show you the ending until it's perfect." I was lying a lot today.

She huffed then glared. "Fine. But no more missing class! I really needed you there today. That Imogen girl is psychotic."

I laughed at that. "Really? I hadn't noticed."

Her glare eased up. "So I heard Clare is worried that you're making her out to be the bad guy in the play."

It was my turn to glare. "Where did you hear that?"

"Imogen." Of course. Maybe that was true. Imogen has been helping me stay creative. She dressed up as Clare and made me tell 'Clare' how I feel. I screamed at her. I told her that I hated her. How could I really feel that about Clare? My Clare. _Was _my Clare. I could never hate her! Imogen was just helping me let the creativity flow for a good play. That's all. I drift back into reality.

Fiona was looking at me puzzled. "Hey, are you okay?"

I didn't meet her eyes. "Yeah never better..." Even Ididn't believe it.

"Listen, I understand how writing this play is like reliving your times with Clare. I bet it's hard." She said calmly.

I felt fury bubbling through my veins, but I tried to keep it in as best as I could before opening my mouth. "How could you understand ANYTHING that I'm going through, Fiona?" I was leaning on my cane, clutching it in my hands as hard as I could.

She jumped at the sudden tone in my voice, and apparently took offense to what I said because she was yelling now. "Excuse me? Eli, I had to go on TRIAL in a courtroom against my ex-boyfriend, Bobby. I know how it feels to relieve bad memories!"

We both stood on my front porch glaring at each other. Just then, a hand rested on my shoulder, following a deep husky voice. "Well well well! Who's this Eli?" Bullfrog.

"This is Fiona, Dad, and she was just leaving." I spat out the words like venom.

Fiona looked at me unbelievably then scoffed. "Yep. I was. Bye." She turned around and charged to the cab that was waiting for her on the street. It drove off quickly.

I turn around to go back inside when Bullfrog blocks me. "Whoa. Hold on there! What was that about, Eli? You're taking your meds right?"

"Yeah of course, Bullfrog." I lie swiftly as he lets me into the house.

He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Alright, well good!" I was already passed him and in my room when he said it. I slammed the door.


	3. Chapter 3

I rush to my desk and grab a pen and a piece of paper. I place the pen shakily on the paper. I am losing it.

_Julia, I have nothing. Nothing. I don't know why I even bother anymore. There is nothing to live for. _My pen rips the paper on the last word I write. "You know that's not true." She's here. I should be happy, but I feel even worse. I look up. She's kneeling next to me. Her beauty never ceases to amaze me.

I close my eyes tight. "Why do you still visit me Julia?"

She laughs lightly. "Well, I thought it was obvious. To help you."

My eyes are still shut. "No, why haven't you moved on? Ever since I crashed Morty you still sit here with me night after night listening to my bullshit problems. Why?" I'm angry. Not at Julia, but with myself. It's one thing for me to be unhappy, but for Julia not to move on, when I know she could. It's torture.

Julia frowned. Not only at what I said, but what I thought. "Eli. I'm not unhappy. What makes me unhappy is when you're unhappy. That's why I'm here. That's why I visit you. When you're happy, I can go, but now is not the time. Like I said, I'm here to help you."

I stared at the floor for what seemed like eternity. "So you're like my guardian angel, so to speak?"

"So to speak." She smirked.

I smirked too. Although Julia was here with me now, I know she can't be here forever. The thought made me sad, but I need to work my own problems out eventually.

"What problems do you need to work out, Eli?" She said it playfully.

I watched her smile at me. "Well... First I need to grovel at Fiona's feet. For about three hours straight."

"I think a better way to apologize is to work on that play of yours." She was serious now.

I frowned. "Well to do that, I'm going to need some closure from the source of the play." I looked down regretfully.

"Clare." She smiled.

"Clare." I repeated. Where to even start?


	4. Chapter 4

It was Monday again. Bullfrog dropped me off at school. I limp hastily away from the car. I still wasn't used to being chauffeured around everywhere. I miss not being crippled. I miss Morty. I miss Clare. Things have changed so much.

"Have a good day, son!" Bullfrog hollered. I waved my hand without turning around. I was on a mission. It was a simple task, if I couldn't be with Clare, then I would throw myself at her mercy. I need to know what I did wrong. I need to apologize, although for what, I wasn't sure. I thought we were so perfect together. I still can't wrap my head around what she's thinking being with that Jake guy. He looks like a redneck. She could do so much better. Although, I shouldn't talk. She could do better than me too. Just then, someone stepped in front of me, well, more like bounced in front of me.

"Gooooood morning Eli!" Imogen was way too peppy in the mornings.

"Hey Imogen." I said distracted. "Listen, I can't talk right now, I have somewhere to be." I scooted her out of the way with my cane. Perks of being crippled. I smiled in my head.

She moved out of the way and frowned. "But I thought we were gonna run some lines today?" Her voice trailed off as I limped passed her and arrived at my locker. I open it and begin grabbing my books for my first class of the day, English. I pause for a moment to admire the cleanliness of my locker. I owe it all to Clare. I look up to grab my English book, and a gold watch falls down. The watch Clare saved from her parents' nasty divorce and gave to me. I bend down to pick it up off the ground. I stare at it in my hands. "_I want you to have it. I need to get rid of some stuff too." She smiled and handed it back to me._ I smiled at the watch thinking of the memories it gave me. A hand nudged me on the shoulder.

"Dude? The bell just rang. We're gonna be late for class." Adam said cautiously. He knew who's watch it was.

I didn't acknowledge him as I pulled the strap of the watch over my wrist, and turned around to head to class. He looked at me curiously, but didn't say another word. We entered English class and I instantly saw Clare. Since the breakup, she's been sitting on the opposite side of the room. She was turned around talking to Jake who was behind her. I felt sick. Me and Adam found our seats, but the seat behind me that Clare used to calling hers was empty. I'm empty too.

Class seemed to linger on. What seemed to be thirty minutes was only three. I notice every shift in her seat. Every note passed to Jake. Every nibble of her pencil. Unbearable. The bell finally rings. I couldn't get up fast enough. I huffed and stood up hastily. Everyone in the classroom was still in their seats and staring at me but Clare's gaze was the only one I felt. Adam clear his throat behind me. I grabbed my cane and limped quickly past Clare who was still sitting in her desk. She was still watching me. Her stare burned my skin. I limped out of the room, and heard footsteps behind me.

"Adam. I really don't feel like talking right now, so you can stop following me." I growled.

"Um... okay? But I'm not Adam." It was Clare. I stopped quickly and turned around.

I leaned on my cane. "Oh. Hi Clare." I tried my best to keep my voice as casual as possible.

She looked as uncomfortable as I felt. "Hi. Um. How are you? How's your leg?"

I looked down at my cast. "Never better. I get to rock this awesome cane now." I move my hand to show off the skull attached on the top.

She attempted to smile. "That's... great Eli. Listen, I've been hearing some things about your play, and the Clara character-"

I interrupted her. "Let me guess, Imogen talked to you?"

"Yeah." She said puzzled. "How did you know?"

"Well, Imogen is a little erratic. Don't worry about her, she hasn't even read the end of the play yet."

She sighed of what looked like relief. "Okay. Good." She genuinely smiled now. I love her smile.

I smiled too. I looked down at my hand leaning on the cane, and realized I was still wearing Clare's watch. Sudden panic overwhelmed me. Should I hide it? Should I give it back? I don't know If I could give it back without creating a scene. I could try. My hoarding has be under control since Clare, but this could be the start again. I could hear myself breathing heavier and faster.

"Eli?" She sounded concerned and placed her hand on mine. "What's wrong?"

I didn't answer right away. I was too involved with my thoughts. Julia's right. I need closure. I have to give the watch back. It doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to Clare. So she can give it to Jake. I squeezed my eyes shut. I don't want Jake to have it. I know him. He just wants her innocence. I open my eyes and see her hand is still on mine. I meet her gaze.

"Clare. I think you should have this." I breath heavy as I take the watch off my wrist. "It doesn't belong to me anymore." I place it in her hand.

She looks down at the watch in her hand and stares at it for a long time. Does it give her the same happy memories as it gave me? I hope so. I watch her stare at it. Her face is unreadable.

She finally speaks. "Thank you Eli. I really appreciate you giving this back to me." I looked down. She's actually taking it back? I feel so small and insignificant that she could just squish me if she wanted to. "But, I can't take this from you." She holds out the watch in her hand waiting for me to take it.

I look up. "Clare. We're not together anymore. You should have it." I don't reach for the watch. I stare past her. I can't get myself to look her in the eyes again.

We stood in the hallway for what seemed like eternity. She didn't say anything. I couldn't think of anything else to say except tell her how beautiful she looks. No point. She already knows I love her.

Finally, Clare huffs, and marches straight to my locker. What is she doing? I follow her limping. She looks down and grabs the lock on the door.

"Clare! What are you doing?" I said urgently.

"I'm giving this watch to you whether you like it or not!" She said stubbornly. Even through all the things we've been through, good, and especially the bad, she still wants me to keep the watch? I felt flattered.

"Clare. Clare! Okay, okay! I'll take it back." I leaned on the locker next to mine and looked at her amused.

She paused and looked up at me and smiled slightly. "You will?"

"Yes Clare. For you, I will." It was the utter truth.

She hands me the watch still smiling. "Okay. Good."

Is this closure? It doesn't feel like it. Last night, Julia and I decided that closure was best for the play. For me. How can I get closure when it still feels like old times?

I take the watch from Clare and put it around my wrist. "You happy?"

"Very." She said still smiling. What does that even mean? Happy that I took the watch, or is she just genuinely happy with life? With Jake? I need to find out.

**Okay! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Here's chapter 4! I wrote A LOT lately. So the sooner I get some reviews the sooner I'll update :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the wonderful reviews! I love knowing people out there are actually reading it. Here's chapter 5 :) **

The day went by generally fast after talking to Clare. Drama rehearsal was awesome. Imogen already knew her lines. She may be crazy, but at least she's giving Love Roulette all she has. If just talking to Clare made me feel this good, imagine if I got her back? I sighed. I want her back so much. I saw something plaid enter the room. Jake. Ever since I found out Clare and him were dating I asked Jake to work backstage. I mean he is a carpenter, and plus I wanted to see for myself what was so great about him. He was putting his backpack on and texting someone. Probably Clare. Look at him, he was smiling. I glared. My hatred for Jake was interrupted by someone behind me clearing their throat. I turn around.

Fiona had her arms crossed and tapping her shoe. "Great rehearsal today." She said in a monotone. She definitely didn't forget about our argument.

I nod. "Thanks to a great director." I sighed and decide to get the apology over with. "Listen Fiona, I'm sorry about freaking out at you. I'm just going through stuff. I was a jerk, and I apologize."

Fiona eased up on the hostile body language before speaking. "What kind of stuff?" Jake walked between me and Fiona. She didn't speak again until he was out of the room. "Clare stuff?"

I was watching the empty doorway Jake just walked through. "How can Clare be with that guy?"I huff and sit down in frustration.

Fiona sits next to me and shrugs. "What can you do, though?" Her gaze met Clare's watch that I was still wearing, and looked at me suspiciously.

I look back at her. "Don't look at me like that. I tried giving it back to her. She told me to keep it, Fiona." I wipe a smudge off the surface of the watch.

She raises her eyebrows. "Why would she say that?"

I shake my head. "No idea. I attempted to get some sort of closure by giving her watch back, but Clare refused to take it. I don't know what else to do. It's slowly killing me, Fiona." I look down.

Fiona sighs. "Well, since rehearsals went amazing today, _and_ you apologized, maybe I can help."

I look up. "How?"

She leaned toward me and squinted. "By following them. Tomorrow. We can figure out what Clare's mixed messages are about, plus I have the perfect outfit to wear." She smiles.

I smiled back. "That would be awesome, Fiona. Thanks."

Anything sounds better than not knowing what could happen. I love Clare, so I might as well get to the bottom of it all instead of wondering the rest of my life. Hell, maybe I'll actually get her back, or if all else fails, the closure I desperately need. I'm hoping for the first, though.

**So yeah you know what to do. The sooner I get some feedback, the sooner the next chapter will be on here! Thanksss :)**


	6. Chapter 6

Later that night seemed to move by too slowly. I was too anxious about the next day so I decided to write Julia again.

_Hey Julia. Me and Fiona have a plan to spy on Clare and Jake tomorrow. I'm scared._

I stopped and reread what I wrote. It wasn't much, but there was a lot behind the words. I placed the pen down with a little too much force, closed my eyes, and waited for her.

I heard a small sigh. "Why are you scared, Eli?" Julia spoke softly behind me.

I kept my eyes shut and tried to explain the best I could. "What if what I see tomorrow makes me wish I never saw it? What if no matter what I do, she wont ever love me again? What if what I see... makes me crazy again?" My head felt as heavy as the problems that filled it. There was no use holding it up anymore. My head collapsed in my hands.

I felt her stare at me, but I didn't lift my head. I couldn't even if I tried right now. She spoke even softer than before. "Eli, you were the one that once told Clare to take risks. Why is it so hard for you to do the same now?"

I tilted my head enough so Julia could hear my voice. I knew she could hear my thoughts, but it just felt rude not to. "Because Julia, I am terrified. I'm terrified that Clare moved on for good. I don't know what I'll do...it might be bad."

She kneeled beside me and whispered. "You know you have to find out, Eli. Don't focus on the 'what ifs' just focus on what's happening right now, in the moment. If it's bad, fix it. If it's good, let it be."

I lifted my head up fast."Good for who? Jake? I don't care about him! I care about Clare."

Julia shook her head. "No, not what's good for Jake, and not even what's good for Clare." She paused a moment before speaking. "What's good for you, Eli."

Is spying on Clare good for me? I was too exhausted to respond to my thoughts, let alone Julia. I just nodded in her direction and placed my head on my pillow. She spoke quietly answering the question in my mind. "We'll find out tomorrow, wont we?" I suppose we will. I yawned and fell fast into a restless sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Dedicating this chapter to Victoria cause she's awesome! Here's chapter 7! :)**

I was up and out the door a half hour before I usually leave for school. I couldn't wait any longer. I arrived at my locker and texted Fiona. There were hardly any students in the halls yet. I yawn and sat down against the lockers and waited for Fiona to respond. I closed my eyes and balanced my cane on the palm of my hand. I heard footsteps coming so I opened my eyes. It was Adam. He sighed at sat down next to me. "What are you doing here so early? You're usually late for class." He laughed lightly.

My laugh turned into a sigh. "Yeah, I know." I played with the watch that was around my wrist. Clare's watch. I knew Adam was wondering about it, so I decided to explain. It didn't surprise me when I looked at him that he was staring at the watch with a puzzled expression. "Adam, I tried giving it back to her. She refused to take it." I looked back down at the golden watch.

Adam continued to stare at the watch. "Really? Did she sound mad when she said it?"

"No, actually. She seemed almost happy that I kept it." I smiled a bit.

"So, what does that mean? I thought she was with Jake?"

I looked down and mumbled. "Yeah, that's kind of why I'm here early. Me and Fiona are planning on spying on them."

Adam raised his eyebrows and smiled. I looked over at him and instantly knew he wanted to go. I couldn't help but smile back at him. We both nodded at each other. It was a silent conversation only best friends could have. "What are you two smiling about?" Fiona laughed.

Me and Adam both looked up simultaneously. I stood up with some difficulty then leaned on my cane facing Fiona. "Adam's coming with us. Is that okay?"

She looked at Adam for a moment, then smiled. "Yeah sure. I could use another person admiring my outfit today." She twirled around showing off her blue-gray embroidered dress and laughed. I looked over at Adam to roll my eyes, but there was no point. He was in his own world. I smiled to myself. I was happy for him. If anything else, maybe Fiona and Adam could get back together after all this.

"Okay so Jake is the carpenter for the play, and Clare's the reporter, so they're both gonna be on set of the play after school, and since I'm not in school attire today. We're ditching." Fiona smiled at us deviously.

Adam frowned. "What's ditching gonna do? Clare and Jake are gonna be at school." I nodded in agreement.

Fiona looked at us both in awe. "How are we gonna spy on them together when we all have different classes? Come on guys. We can go to the Dot to make a plan, then at lunch we'll sneak back on campus and find them."

Adam looked at me unconvinced. I just shrugged. "Yeah okay. After you." I gestured dramatically for Fiona to lead the way.

At the Dot we didn't do much planning. I was on my second cup of coffee, and Fiona and Adam flirted most of the time. I cleared my throat interrupting Adam tickling Fiona. "So guys, let's go through this again." I set my cup of coffee down. "Why would Clare want me to keep the watch?"

Adam looked at me and laughed. "I guess you must of done something right." Fiona smiled at that.

"Yeah..." I sighed and looked out the window. My expression widened as Clare and Jake walked across the street towards the Dot. I whispered. "Guys, Clare!" Fiona and Adam immediately looked out the window.

Fiona scooted out of her seat and stood up."Quick! Let's go over to the booth in the corner." Me and Adam quickly followed her. Adam was hiding behind a menu, I was hiding behind my cup of coffee, and Fiona pulled a scarf out of her purse and wrapped it around her. Inconspicuously, we watched Jake and Clare enter the Dot.

Jake was the first to enter. His expression didn't look very happy as he held the door open for Clare. Her expression however, seemed very happy. They sat down at a table and the waitress took their order. Clare got something, but Jake waved the waitress away when it was his turn to order. As Jake began talking, Clare frowned, and it just got worse from there. They seemed to be arguing, and by the time the waitress brought Clare's drink to her, Jake stood up and quickly left. Clare was staring at her cup of coffee crying.

Adam whispered. "Eli. Now's the time. Go talk to her!" Fiona nodded.

I was frozen. What should I even say? Could I even speak? Adam nudged me."Dude! Go!" He whispered. I looked at him expressionless and stood up. "Here goes nothing." I sighed and walked carefully towards Clare.

I stood at her table."Clare?"A voice barely escaped my lips.

She wiped the tears hastily from her cheek and looked up. The expression on her face killed me inside. I couldn't take it. I sat in the seat across her.

"Eli?" She looked at me confused.

"I just- I saw what happened, and I wanted to make sure you're okay." I looked at her worried.

Her laugh contained no amusement. "I bet that was entertaining to watch. Step right up to see Clare Edwards get dumped publicly!" She looked down and cupped her coffee with her hands.

I frowned. "Clare... I hate- I _hate_ seeing you like this." I wonder if she really knew how much it hurt me to see her hurting.

She looked at me. "My mom and Jake's dad are getting married. That's why Jake broke up with me."

It took me a minute to process what she just said. "I'm so sorry." It caught me off guard how much I meant it. I was truly sorry. For everything. Every bad thing that's ever happened to Clare. Because of me or not was beside the point. For the first time, I felt true remorse.

"Thanks." As she smiled, her eyes shifted from me down to her watch that I was still wearing around my wrist. It was too late to hide it. She already saw. "You're still wearing the watch?" She looked at it curiously.

"Yeah, um. I must of forgot to take it off." I slid my hand under the table awkwardly.

"No!" She reached across the table. "Can I see it? It's been a while since I've looked at it up close."

I stared at her for a moment, then lifted my hand back on top of the table. Clare's eyes smiled as she held my hand, looking at the watch. "You've taken such good care of it." She said quietly.

I smiled at her as she continued to look at the watch. "Well, you gave it to me."

She nodded. "Yeah. I did. Broken up or not, it's yours." She traced her finger over the circular frame of the watch and smiled.

I looked at Clare and sighed. It's insane how much my heart can relate. Broken up or not, it's hers.


	8. Chapter 8

**Been a while since I updated! I hope some of you remember what's going on. lol Reviews are always nice to get. Hint hint ;)**

Walking out of the Dot, I felt a lot lighter. That could have been so much worse. Adam and Fiona followed me out smiling. "Dude, what ever you said back there looked promising." Adam beamed. I turned back around and smiled at them both.

"You guys are amazing. Thanks for having my back." I looked at Adam and then Fiona admiringly. I couldn't have any truer friends than them.

"So, what's next?" Adam was walking close beside Fiona.

Fiona turned around and faced Adam. "What's _next_ is Eli needs to make a grand gesture. Make Clare realize what she's been missing." Giving Adam a look, she turned back around and pointed at me. "_This_ Eli is worth coming back to. You've grown."

What Fiona said made me sigh relief. I watched the ground as I walked. I don't know how much I've grown, but I sure as hell feel happier than I have been in a long time. That's got to be a good thing.

Fiona sighed and linked arms with Adam and myself. "Back to school we go? I know Eli's got some creative ideas flowing for Love Roulette. Just look at him!" She laughed.

Adam looked over at me and smiled. "Oh you know he does."

Fiona laughed and unlinked her arms. "Then come on!" She winked at Adam and started running towards the school. Adam looked at me curiously.

I rolled my eyes. "Dude. Broken leg. Looks like you're gonna have to take one for the team." I patted his back and smirked.

Adam quickly smiled and took off running after Fiona. I called after him. "Don't forget your grand gesture! I'm pretty sure it doesn't only apply to me!" I laugh as Adam flips me off.

"Grand gesture." I repeat to myself. Maybe Julia can help me with that. I hobble after my friends feeling true happiness. Who knows how long this feeling will last, but right now, I'm just letting it be.


	9. Chapter 9

Fiona was right. I did have some good ideas for the play. I jotted them down on the whiteboard and everyone clapped. Now to get home and write the final draft. I made my way to the front of the school, sat down on the steps and waited for Bullfrog to pick me up. I was looking around at nothing in particular when I saw her. Clare. She was standing alone. Probably waiting for her mom to pick her up. At that instant she turned and saw me. I looked down quickly. Curiosity got the best of me and I looked up again. She was walking over to me.

I was looking down when I heard her. "Hey Eli." Clare's voice sounded sweet.

I glanced up. "Hi." She smiled politely and sat beside me.

"Your play is something, Eli." She smiled softly.

I frowned. "Wait. You were there today? I didn't see you."

She nodded. "I came in to get a quote from you for the newspaper and I saw your ideas on the board. I looked for you, but you already left."

"Well, here I am. What questions do you have for me, reporter?" I laughed lightly.

She didn't speak for a long time. She looked like she was thinking about something as she stared at the step under her feet. Finally, she faced me and spoke. "You made Clara the hero."

She caught me off guard. It took a minute for the words to form in my mouth, but once they were there they were going to be heard.

I whispered. "That's because she is the hero." I sighed and looked into her eyes. "You're my hero."

Her face was serious. She was staring at me as tears formed in her eyes, then she quickly stood up. She was looking down at me now.

"Eli. I can't be. From the moment I met you, my life has been in hiatus. From dead ex-girlfriends, to smashed up hearses." She was really crying now. "I don't know how to be with someone like that. I don't know how to help you."

It took me a staggered moment, but I stood up and leaned on my cane.

"Clare. I'm not asking you to help me!" I closed my eyes for a moment, collecting my thoughts then opened my eyes again. "I'm working on it. This play's been helping me, and I've been seeing a therapist."

Although, I'm not sure my actual therapist is really helping. I consider Julia more of a therapist than her, but I should probably keep Julia out of this conversation.

I looked in Clare's tearful eyes and continued speaking. "But regardless, Clare. You've helped me. In more ways than one."

Clare looked at me puzzled. With tears streaming down her face, she opens her mouth to talk, but a car horn interrupts her.

"Clare. Come on, we're going to be late." Mrs. Edwards smiled out the car window, but I could tell she was irritated.

She turned around quickly and picked up her bag. "Yeah, okay mom." She wiped away the tears as she stood up. She turned and looked at me. "Eli. Please just drop it." Her voice was low.

I got closer to her and whispered. "What about your promise? You promised you'd never give up on me."

She didn't back up. Staring at me, she shook her head. "I'm sorry Eli. I just- I can't." Her voice cracked and another set of tears formed in her eyes. She turned around and got in the car. It drove off quickly.


	10. Chapter 10

The car ride home was silent. I wouldn't talk and thankfully Bullfrog didn't attempt any small talk with me. When we arrived home, I limped into my room and closed the door. I threw my cane across the room and fell to the floor. It knocked something over, but I didn't care. Tears fell from my face freely. I didn't stop them. I sat on the floor for countless minutes.

I replayed my entire relationship with Clare in my head. I know I have baggage, but when Clare was with me, it felt like that baggage didn't matter anymore. The only thing that mattered was us together. I looked across the room and saw my cane on the floor. Next to it was an old photo album. I scooted towards it until I could pick it up in my hands. I opened it. Pictures of myself and Julia filled the pages. This was a birthday gift from her. I got to the last page and noticed a note. I opened it up. It was a letter from me to Julia. It read:

_You're asleep on my pillow right now, and I can't help but watch you. You knocked on my door in the middle of the night, crying. I let you in. You hugged me and told me you hated it there. I hugged you back and kissed your shoulder. I told you I'd never hurt you. Tonight, I let you in my world. I never knew how being so close to someone could make another person my world, but Julia you are my world now._

When I got to the end of the page, I realized that Julia never got to see this letter that I wrote her. The night I found out she died, I put the note at the end of the photo album. I can't believe I forgot. I held the piece of paper tightly in my hands and closed my eyes. I don't deserve anyone.

A voice beside me came out of nowhere. "Of course you do, Eli." I opened my eyes quickly.

"Julia? I thought you could only visit me when I write you." I looked at her puzzled.

She smiled slightly. "I guess reading old letters to me works just the same. I'm glad I finally got to see the letter for myself."

I stared at her. "Julia. I didn't deserve you, and I don't deserve Clare. All I ever do is hurt the people I love." I opened the note in my hands again. "See? Look!" I pointed to the line that says: _I told you I'd never hurt you._

"I'm such a liar."

She stared back at me. "Eli, you never hurt me. You saved me."

"Saved you?" I repeated. "I'm the reason you died! If it wasn't for me and our stupid argument, you wouldn't have rode your bike home in the dark and got hit." I looked in her eyes fiercely. "I killed you."

Julia looked back into my eyes with the same intensity. "No. You didn't. If it wasn't for you, I would have been dead a lot sooner. You were the only person in the world that cared about me. Don't you _ever_ think that you killed me. You saved me. You kept me alive." Tears welded up in her eyes, but they didn't spill over. Could the dead even cry?

I stared at the creased piece of paper. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for letting Julia go, but maybe it's time to forget. Forget the negative and focus on the happy memories I had with her. Julia was the first person I was ever close to. She was the first person I fell in love with. I will never forget that.

She smiled at my thoughts. "I won't either, Eli. Never."

As I stared in her eyes, I shook my head and repeated. "Never."

**Any helpful criticism or reviews would be appreciated. =)  
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	11. Chapter 11

After my talk with Julia, my thoughts for the play fell almost perfectly on the screen of my laptop. The play was going to be a hit. Hopefully with Clare as well. Her opinion of it was the only one that really mattered anymore. I sighed and printed out the ending.

When I arrived in the drama room, everyone was already preparing for the play. Even Jake was finishing up painting the set props. I was slightly impressed. Maybe Jake wasn't so bad after all. I tried to imagine myself in Jake's shoes. Dating a girl who would soon be my step-sister. If my girlfriend was anyone but Clare, I could see Jake's side. It would be pretty weird, but that just shows how much more I care about her, because if it was Clare, I could see past it.

I handed out the script to everyone involved. Fiona took one and flipped to the end. She looked impressed.

"Wow, Eli. I think tomorrow night is gonna be amazing!" She smiled, gave me a quick hug, then started ordering some of the backstage crew to move the props.

For some reason I felt like I was in the way of everyone else, so I decided to leave. No one needed me anymore today anyway. They had their ending. As I walked into the hallway, Adam nearly ran into me.

"Whoa." He laughed awkwardly. "Sorry man." He glanced behind him, and into the hallway. "You might not want to go out there right now." He looked at me apologetically.

I frowned. "Why not?"

Hesitantly, he explained. "Jake's out there, and he's talking to Clare."

"But, I just saw him..." I turned around and looked where I saw Jake painting one of the props. He wasn't there. I frowned again and stuck my head past the doorway.

"What do you mean he's talking to Clare? I thought they broke up." I said more to myself than Adam.

He answered anyway. "I don't know, but it looked like he was apologizing."

I leaned on the door frame and continued watching them. Jake was looking down at Clare and talking with his hands a lot. Clare's face looked confused, but at least she wasn't crying again. Then, Jake grabbed both her hands. Clare nodded as he embraced her into a hug. I couldn't watch anymore. I turned around and walked back into the drama room.

Adam followed me cautiously. "Eli? Are you okay?" I sat down on one of the bleachers. Adam sat next to me. He knew I wasn't okay.

I shook my head facing the floor. "I'm never going to get her back." I whispered.

Adam looked at me with a worried expression. "Eli, come on. Don't say that." He patted my back.

I lifted my head up. "It's true, Adam. I talked to her yesterday after school. She pretty much told me she can't be with me again." I sighed as Adam watched me. "I can't say that I blame her. I caused her a lot of pain."

Adam spoke. "Yeah, but what about her parents when they got their divorce? You were there for her. _You. _I don't remember seeing any Jake Martins around to sweep her off her feet." He attempted a smile.

I shrugged pitifully.

Adam groaned. "Dude, if you can't get Clare back, how the hell am Igonna have another shot with Fiona?"

I looked at him. "Adam, I'm not the same guy anymore. I'm not the one who has all these sneaky plans. I'm not the one who has all the answers. I'm a mess."

Adam sighed. "I guess I just always thought you and Clare would get back together. It gave me hope." His eyes found Fiona and watched her across the room.

I sighed. "Don't base my sorry ass on what you could do for yourself." I glanced at Fiona then nudged Adam with my shoulder. "She was giving you some serious attention yesterday." I attempted to smile for Adam's sake. The last thing I want is for him to be stuck in the same rut I'm in.

Adam smiled a bit. "Yeah okay. I wont give up." He stood up, and turned around to face me. "But, you don't give up either, alright? I'm rooting for you, Eli." He patted my back one last time and walked over to help Fiona.

I would never wish my relationship problems on anyone, but it's nice to know someone that's going through a similar situation. It's even nicer to know that person is my best friend. I'm rooting for Adam too.


	12. Chapter 12

**Enjoy!**

When I woke up, the last thing on my mind was Love Roulette, but Fiona wouldn't stop texting me about it. I groaned and got out of bed. Cece tapped on my bedroom door. "Come in." I said sleepily.

She smiled as she walked into my bedroom and sat at the foot of my bed.

"I just wanted to tell you how proud me and your father are. We know tonight is going to be wonderful." She found my hand and placed hers on top lovingly.

"Thanks mom." I humored her with a smile and stood up.

As much as I love having the support of my parents, I just wasn't feeling the excitement of the play like everyone else. Probably due to the fact that it's my relationship with Clare is going to be broadcasted live for everyone to see. I wouldn't mind it if our relationship was still existent today, but that's definitely not the case.

"I'm going to to get ready for school. Tell Dad I'll be down in twenty." She nodded as I limped out of the room.

Bullfrog dropped me off at school.

"Have a great day son. Your mom and I will be here tonight, right in the front row." He smiled and patted my shoulder. "Break a leg."

We both looked down at the cast on my leg. I couldn't help but laugh with Bullfrog.

"Thanks Dad. I'll see you guys tonight." I grabbed my things and got out of the car.

It was too early in the morning to see Clare with Jake's arm wrapped around her. They were outside the school leaning on his truck. I tried not to stare as I walked on campus. I tried to ignore the feelings I had for her, at least until I was out of view then I could go back to my pitiful thoughts.

I couldn't help but shake the feeling that someone was watching me. I looked everywhere except... I just couldn't look at them again. With the hair on my arms standing up, I took a deep breath, and even with my conscience telling me not to, I glanced where Clare was.

Cradled under Jake's arm, Clare stared back at me. I bet I'm a sight to see as I limp to the school's entrance. I turned away. It was almost cruel for her to look at me. Why should she? She was shoving her relationship with Jake in my face.

I sighed a staggered breath, and entered the school like she didn't affect me. I can't let her. I _won't_ let her. It was already too long of a day.

**Next two chapters are better I swear. =)**


	13. Chapter 13

As fast as I could with a broken leg, I made my way to my locker. I curse under my breath at the third failed attempt at opening it. "Son of a-" my fist hit the locker hard making the hallway echo.

"Need some help?" Imogen said beside me.

I tried to breath through my anger as I nod. "Can you open my locker?" I tell her the combination.

She glances in my direction. "Shouldn't you be happy? The play's written. You did it." At her first attempt, the locker opens.

I ignore her and stand in front of my locker. I stare at it. It's neat and tidy. It's not me. It's everything I'm not. Tears form in my eyes making my vision gets blurry, and before I know it I'm grabbing and throwing everything in my locker on the floor.

Imogen watches with panic in her voice. "Eli, what's wrong?"

"EVERYTHING." I spit out the word through gritted teeth.

With worry in her eyes she speaks again."Maybe you should take those pills now..."

I glare at her. "Why? So I can be like _she_ wants me to be? Like Jake?"

"Eli. Just... relax." She grabs my hand and holds it, making me feel almost instantly calmer.

I sigh and meet her eyes. Her warm brown eyes seem welcoming. She doesn't look at me like I'm a freak. She's actually trying to help me. Her hand guides me to sit on the floor next to her. We lean against the lockers. She lets go of my hand and finds a slightly crumpled up piece of paper sitting next to her. She smooths it out and hands me a pen.

I stare at it. "What do you want me to do?"

"Write Clare. Tell her everything your feeling." She looks at me encouragingly.

I continue to stare at the paper. I know if I look up at her, she'll see how weak I really am. "It won't do any good." I whisper.

"It'll make you feel better, Eli. I promise." She said calmly.

Taking a breath, I begin writing. What more could I lose?

_Clare. _The dot at the end of her name penetrates the paper. I hold the pen steady and continue. _You're taking the easy way out. I know you love me. Being with Jake might be easier, but it isn't what's right and you know it. You are forgetting who you are. I never let you give up on your beliefs, even when I didn't agree with them. I love you Clare and I always will, and knowing you love me back deep down will just have to be enough I guess. _

I think to myself, "_It's not enough, Eli and you know it._"I scratch out the last line and write another line underneath it.

_I love you Clare and I always will, and I KNOW you love me back. It pisses me off to no end that you wont admit it to yourself. I wish I didn't love you, because it would make all of this easier. But unlike you, I'm not taking the easy way out. If you truly want to be with Jake over me, then I sincerely wish you two the best of luck. Sadly, I know you too well, Clare. I know you love me more. - Eli._

I hold on to the paper tight and find my way back on my feet. Silently, Imogen watches me with a worried eye as I slowly start walking to the doorway where I just saw her.

Outside in Jake's arms.

**Next chapter is the twist/climax of the plot. I hope you like it. ^_^ Leave me loveeee 3**


	14. Chapter 14

**Gah. Sorry for such a slow upload this time. Inspiration doesn't come easy, but I'll absolutely finish it. Mark my words! x) Anyway, thanks for reading! :)**

Suddenly everything is bright. So bright and vivid things almost seem clear. Then I see her. The person who's influenced, scared, and impacted my life the most. Julia. She's completely opposite of her surroundings, yet somehow she shares the same amount of brilliance.

She talks beside me. "Eli. What do you think you're doing? Have you learned anything?" She looks at me sternly.

I hear the sound of my heartbeat in my ears, making it difficult to concentrate. "W-what?" I blurt out. There's panic in my voice and I don't know why. It makes my heart beat faster.

"Put the phone down, Eli." Julia stares at me.

I look at my hand and sure enough my phone is in it. "Why am I-?" I look at her desperately to explain.

"Eyes on the road, Eli." She points ahead.

We're in Morty.

"W-what are we doing in Morty? I crashed him!" Dropping the phone, I grip the steering wheel tightly with both hands.

Julia's brow furrows as her gaze fixes on me. She speaks with intensity. "Not yet. You still have a choice. Eli. Everything since the accident has been a lesson you can learn from. I'm trying to show you that you can change things. For the better."

"How do I do that?"

The hearse drives quickly almost on it's own. I don't have control of the speed, just the steering. I watch the world fly by as I wait for Julia's words.

Julia explains. "It's simple. Don't crash Morty. Clare needed space, and you saw for yourself that crashing Morty was _far_ more space that you wanted."

I think back to the hospital. The way Clare looked at me with fear in her eyes.

"_No. You scare me Eli!" _

I shake my head trying to concentrate. I blink and come back to the present, or whatever this is. I try and focus on the road. Crashing the hearse did no good. It might have brought her to the hospital but only because I gave her no choice. I scared her, and then she left. Left me.

Julia speaks again. "Eli, every moment since you crashed Morty has been a glimpse of what you can change. Right now. You need to decide. I don't have much more time to help you."

There's urgency in her words which makes things even more difficult to understand. I don't want to lose her too. Not again.

I nod as I blink back tears, and hit the breaks hard.

The world goes silent.

**Reviews are ALWAYS appreciated. Even if its a 4 words. Even if it's negative. Anonymous reviews are cool too. Just leave me something! I'm begging you. Have a good one! :)**


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